by Pigeon Patrol | Nov 2, 2020 | Animal Deterrent Products, Bird Deterrent Products, history of pigeons, Pigeon Control, Pigeon Patrol's Services
Feral pigeons are the number one urban pest bird, creating a mess and causing damage where they roost, creating a need for pigeon control. Pigeons are descendants of domesticated European homing pigeons, so they have a varied diet and feel at ease making their homes in man-made structures, here is some of the pigeon identifications.
Generally blue-grey in color, with iridescent feathers on the head and neck, problem pigeons often have markings in black, white or brown on the wings and neck. A short neck and small head characterize the standard pigeon; their short legs, hind toes and level front allow for both easy perching on pipes and ledges or walking on flat surfaces. Pigeons generally nest in small, flat areas away from the ground such as building ledges, air conditioning units or window sills. Occasionally pigeons may even lay eggs directly on a protected ledge.
Damage Caused by Pigeon Problems
Pigeon control is important due to the damage and disease problems these problem birds often create. The uric acid in pigeon feces is highly corrosive and can cause extensive damage to metals and other substrates it sits on for long periods. Debris from flocks of problem pigeons often build up, backing up gutters and drains which can cause flooding and roof damage.
Nesting materials and other debris has caused failures in machinery, especially rooftop air conditioning units which are a prime nesting spot for pigeons. Other frequent pigeon problems include slip and fall liability from feces or debris, plus an unclean, dirty company image. The bacteria, fungal agents and ectoparasites found in pigeon droppings are responsible for a host of serious diseases, including histoplasmosis, encephalitis, salmonella, meningitis, toxoplasmosis and more. Many companies also retain significant clean up costs due to the pigeon problems they don’t resolve.
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About Pigeon Patrol:
Pigeon Patrol Products & Services is the leading manufacturer and distributor of bird deterrent (control) products in Canada. Pigeon Patrol products have solved pest bird problems in industrial, commercial, and residential settings since 2000, by using safe and humane bird deterrents with only bird and animal friendly solutions. At Pigeon Patrol, we manufacture and offer a variety of bird deterrents, ranging from Ultra-flex Bird Spikes with UV protection, Bird Netting, 4-S Gel and the best Ultrasonic and audible sound devices on the market today.
Contact us at 1- 877– 4– NO-BIRD, (604) 585-9279 or visit our website at www.pigeonpatrol.ca
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by Pigeon Patrol | Nov 2, 2020 | Pigeon Control, Pigeon Patrol's Services
Pigeon Prevention Methods & Damage Control
Habitat Modification
Some solutions include elimination of feeding, watering, roosting, and nesting sites is important in long-term pigeon control. Discourage people from feeding pigeons in public areas and clean up spilled grain around elevators, feed mills, and rail-car clean-out areas. Eliminate pools of standing water that pigeons use for watering. Modify structures, buildings, and architectural designs to make them less attractive to pigeons.
Exclusion
Pigeons can be excluded from buildings by blocking access to indoor roosts and nesting areas. Openings to lofts, steeples, vents, and eaves should be blocked with wood, metal, glass, rust-proofed wire mesh, plastic or nylon netting with spikes surround it.
Roosting on ledges can be discouraged by changing the angle to 45o or more. Sheet metal, wood, styrofoam blocks, stone, and other materials can be formed and fastened to ledges to accomplish the desired angle. Ornamental architecture can be screened with 1-inch (2.5-cm) mesh polypropylene u.v.-stabilized netting to prevent roosting, loafing, and nesting. To make the netting aesthetically pleasing, it can be spray painted to match the color of the building, but black is often the best choice. The life span of this netting can be as long as 10 years.
In a tool or machinery shed, barn, hangar, or other similar buildings, roosting can be permanently prevented by screening the underside of the rafter area with netting. Nylon netting can be stapled or otherwise affixed to the underside of rafters to exclude birds from nesting and roosting. Panels can be cut into the netting and velcro fasteners can allow access to the rafter area to service equipment or lights.
Porcupine wires are mechanical repellents that can be used to exclude pigeons. They are composed of a myriad of spring-tempered nickel stainless steel prongs with sharp points extending outward at all angles. The sharp points of these wires inflict temporary discomfort and deter pigeons from landing on these surfaces. The prongs are fastened to a solid base that can be installed on window sills, ledges, eaves, roof peaks, ornamental architecture, or wherever pigeons are prone to roost (Fig. 2). Elevate the base with plastic washers and anchor it with electrical bundle straps. Sometimes pigeons and sparrows cover the wires with nesting material or droppings, which requires occasional removal.
A variation of porcupine wires, ECOPICTM, mounts flat to a surface and has a triangular pattern of vertically oriented stainless steel rods.
Bird BarrierTM is another permanent nonlethal mechanical repellent used to exclude pigeons from structures. It is a stainless steel coil affixed to a base-mounting strip that can be attached to structural features as one would with porcupine wires.
Tightly stretched parallel strands of 16-to 18-gauge steel wire or 80-pound+ (36-kg+) test monofilament line can be used to keep birds off support cables, narrow ledges, conduit, and similar areas. Attach L-brackets at each end of the area or item to be protected and fasten the wire to the L-brackets with turnbuckles. Slack is taken out using the turnbuckles. L-brackets should be welded or attached with a cable clamp or aircraft hose clamps (threads on standard radiator clamps become stripped under the high torque loads required for holding L-brackets sup-porting wire over long distances). On heavily used structures, it may be necessary to stretch 3 lines at 2, 5, and 7 inches (5, 12, and 18 cm) above the surface.
Overhead monofilament grid systems, 1 x 1 foot to 2 x 2 feet (30 x 30 cm to 60 x 60 cm), have been used success-fully to reducing pigeon activity in en-closed courtyards. Persistent pigeons will likely penetrate parallel or grid-wire (line) systems.
Electric shock bird control systems (Avi-AwayTM, FlyawayTM, and Vertebrate Repellent System [VRSTM]) are available for repelling many species of birds, including pigeons. The systems consist of a cable durably embedded in plastic with two electrical conductors. Mounting and grounding hardware and a control unit are included. The conductors carry a pulsating electric charge. When pigeons make contact with the conductors and the cable, they receive a shock that repels but does not kill them. The cable can be in-stalled in situations also suitable for porcupine wires and stretched steel wires or monofilament lines. Although these devices and their installation are usually labor intensive and/or expensive, their effectiveness in some cases justifies the investment. These devices have a life span of 8 years on residential structures.
other control methods include:
Frightening
- Propane cannons
- Distress calls
- Mylar-style tape
- Scare-eye balloons
- Long-range acoustic devices
- Avitrol®
Repellents
- Polybutenes and capsaicin-based products
- Methyl anthranilate
Toxicants
Shooting
- .177-caliber pellet guns
- .22-caliber rifles
- Shotgun with No. 7½ shot
Trapping
- Multiple capture cage traps
- Single-bird traps
- Cannon nets
- Hand-held nets
- Mist netting
Other Control Methods
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Contact Us For Any Questions!
(604) 585-9279
About Pigeon Patrol:
Pigeon Patrol Products & Services is the leading manufacturer and distributor of bird deterrent (control) products in Canada. Pigeon Patrol products have solved pest bird problems in industrial, commercial, and residential settings since 2000, by using safe and humane bird deterrents with only bird and animal friendly solutions. At Pigeon Patrol, we manufacture and offer a variety of bird deterrents, ranging from Ultra-flex Bird Spikes with UV protection, Bird Netting, 4-S Gel and the best Ultrasonic and audible sound devices on the market today.
Contact us at 1- 877– 4– NO-BIRD, (604) 585-9279 or visit our website at www.pigeonpatrol.ca
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Filed Under: 4-S Gel Bird repellent, Animal Deterrent Products, Bird Deterrent Products, Bird Netting, Pigeon Patrol’s Services, Pigeon Spikes, UltraSonic Bird Control
by Pigeon Patrol | Oct 26, 2020 | Animal Deterrent Products, Bird Deterrent Products, Bird Netting, Bird Spikes, Pigeon Control, Pigeon Spikes
What To Do With Annoying Pigeons
When pigeon flocks grow too large, use these humane methods to control their numbers
From a pigeon’s perspective, city living can’t be beat. Food and water are readily available. Predators are rare. Plus, there’s plenty of free housing. Pigeons find our window ledges, rooftops, bridges, and warehouses to be ideal substitutes for the natural ledges in cliff sides that they have always used as roosting, nesting, and sheltering sites.
Steps to Solve Pigeon Problems
You may just need one or a combination of all techniques, depending on the size of the pigeon population you’re dealing with.
Spikes & Nettings
The bird spike is a simple device used to prevent birds from perching or roosting on flat surfaces. Spike systems consist of thin, mildly flexible rods set in a base in multiple rows at varying angles. Pigeon spikes are not sharp and will not harm birds in any way; pigeon spikes are always dull and are completely safe and humane. Contact with the spikes is uncomfortable but never painful or dangerous. The sole purpose of the spikes is to block the birds’ feet from reaching the flat surface; without a foothold, the birds can’t roost. You can use bird spikes to protect your property with a clear conscience.
Bird control spikes are easy to understand, install, and maintain. No special tools are needed, no complicated assembly is involved, and making certain that the spikes don’t become clogged with leaves or other debris is the only maintenance required. In addition, no other bird control device is as cost-effective when measured in money and time; anti-bird spikes don’t require costly installation upfront and continue to function for a long, long time. Bird spikes are honestly a great way to keep birds away.
Anti-bird spikes offer the following advantages:
They Are Safe
Impaling birds is not the purpose of the spikes. Bird spikes have harmless, dull tips, and the spikes themselves are just a bit bendy. When birds try to land, they get a gentle, uncomfortable prod in their undercarriage, and their feet are unable to reach the surface.
Effective
Many bird control experts agree that bird spikes are 100% effective at deterring roosting birds when installed correctly. Spikes work by preventing birds from roosting, and they work every time. Rain or shine, day or night, today, tomorrow, and next year, spikes keep birds away.
Long Lifetime
Bird control spikes offer low-maintenance protection for years. High-quality strips and spikes are constructed to withstand constant exposure to harsh, changing weather conditions.
Unobstructive
Strips don’t cause any interference with electrical or communication transmissions, and, especially from a distance, they won’t significantly interfere with the look of your property. The only thing you will notice is the absence of birds.
Easy To Use
Spikes come preassembled in 2-foot strips that are notched for a tool-free breakdown. A piped line of adhesive down the bottom of the strip gives you a quick and permanent installation, or, for temporary installation, strips can be nailed, screwed, or even zip-tied down. Plus, anyone can do it; installing bird spikes is well within the skills of any competent DIYer.
Stop Feeding The Pigeons (intentionally or not)
Most conflicts with pigeons can be tied at one point or another to feeding, intentionally or otherwise.
Pigeons get fed plenty of handouts and garbage, but there are also well-intentioned pigeon lovers who regularly feed the birds. This does the pigeons more harm than good as the pigeons begin to gather in large numbers, often leading to inhumane and ineffective attempts to reduce their numbers.
When such troubles arise, the best thing for the birds is to reduce feeding gradually over several weeks. The flock will gradually disperse until the remaining number of birds matches what the area can naturally support.
Unintentional Food Sources
Even when not feeding on purpose, we humans are messy, leaving leftovers and dropped crumbs everywhere. Pigeons hang around town squares, public parks, and other trafficked areas to help themselves to what we leave behind, especially when convenient roosting and nesting sites are nearby. To discourage pigeons from gathering, food attractants need to be cleaned up regularly.
In suburban neighborhoods, too, homeowners may mistakenly feed pigeons or they may be providing food for pigeons inadvertently when feeding their backyard birds by tossing seed on the ground, rather than putting it in birdfeeders. To discourage pigeons visiting your yard, change the type, amount, and timing of feeding. If most of the pigeons fail to move elsewhere, you’ll need to stop feeding all birds for a couple weeks. (Don’t worry; the birds won’t starve.) When you resume feeding, only put out seed in birdfeeders and keep the ground below them cleaned up.
Prevent Roosting and Nesting
Pigeons look for flat surfaces for roosting and nesting. Encourage them to do these things elsewhere by making flat surfaces unavailable to them. With the correct application of the right product, roosting structures can be rendered virtually pigeon-free.
Follow these tips and steps to get rid of the annoying pigeons
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About Pigeon Patrol:
Pigeon Patrol Products & Services is the leading manufacturer and distributor of bird deterrent (control) products in Canada. Pigeon Patrol products have solved pest bird problems in industrial, commercial, and residential settings since 2000, by using safe and humane bird deterrents with only bird and animal friendly solutions. At Pigeon Patrol, we manufacture and offer a variety of bird deterrents, ranging from Ultra-flex Bird Spikes with UV protection, Bird Netting, 4-S Gel and the best Ultrasonic and audible sound devices on the market today.
Contact us at 1- 877– 4– NO-BIRD, (604) 585-9279 or visit our website at www.pigeonpatrol.ca
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by Pigeon Patrol | Oct 26, 2020 | Animal Deterrent Products, Bird Deterrent Products, Pigeon Control, Pigeon Droppings, Pigeon Spikes
Pigeon Poop
So, How Long Before The Pigeon Poop Damages Your Belongings? High rated auto detailers say waiting too long to remove bird droppings and bugs from your car can lead to serious damage to the car’s paint job.
Imagine pulling out of the car wash — feeling good that you finally washed the winter salt and grime away — and: “Splat.” A bird poops on your car.
That momentary clean car feeling suddenly turns sour. If your car is a lightning rod for bird byproducts, try not to let it get you down in the, well, dumps. Highly rated auto detailers say it’s important to take a proactive approach and quickly wash away the poop and other harmful objects such as bugs and tree sap.
Damage Your Car Paint
Aside from the fact bird poop is gross to look at — especially a car covered in it — it can be extremely damaging to your car’s paint job. If left untreated, bird poop and bugs can penetrate your car’s clear coat protective layer.
“Bird poop and bugs have acid and can burn through the clear coat in as little as 48 hours,” says paint experts “Waiting too long can burn the clear coat and paint surface all the way to the metal. It increases when it’s hot outside [because the poop can warm up and harden on the paint] and is not as bad in the winter.”
Another reason bird poop can be so damaging is because some birds swallow gravel, which helps them digest food. The tiny gravel bits in the feces can scrape the surface of the car when wiped away.
Bugs, meanwhile, interact in a similar way with paint. They also have chemicals that can eat through the clear coat and cause damage. Bugs can collect by the dozens on cars, especially during long highway trips.
“The clear coat will eventually start to lift at different points,” says Mark Ellis, owner of highly rated Jewel Auto Care in Manassas, Va. “You’ll see scars and little patches where the clear coat has been damaged. Once the clear coat starts lifting, there’s really no way to stop it.”
Paint and clear coat damage can cost anywhere from $300 to $1,000 to repair.
Ellis recommends a car wash once a week to remove poop and bugs; McKay recommends one at least every two weeks. It’s also important, Ellis says, to wax your car two to three times a year, especially between seasons such as winter and spring when road salt tends to collect. The wax provides a layer of protection for the clear coat.
But if you can’t get to the car wash, Ellis recommends keeping a bottle of water and a microfiber rag in the car to quickly wipe away animal waste and other debris. “If you see something that shouldn’t be there, wiping it off with water will help protect your paint,” he says.
A basic car wash runs anywhere from $5 to $10, while a deluxe wash can cost $10 to $20. A professional wax job will generally cost $50 to $95.
source
About Pigeon Patrol:
Pigeon Patrol Products & Services is the leading manufacturer and distributor of bird deterrent (control) products in Canada. Pigeon Patrol products have solved pest bird problems in industrial, commercial, and residential settings since 2000, by using safe and humane bird deterrents with only bird and animal friendly solutions. At Pigeon Patrol, we manufacture and offer a variety of bird deterrents, ranging from Ultra-flex Bird Spikes with UV protection, Bird Netting, 4-S Gel and the best Ultrasonic and audible sound devices on the market today.
Contact us at 1- 877– 4– NO-BIRD, (604) 585-9279 or visit our website at www.pigeonpatrol.ca
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by Pigeon Patrol | Oct 26, 2020 | Bird Deterrent Products, Bird Netting, Bird Spikes, Pigeon Control, Pigeon Patrol's Services
Pigeon Family Life
Pigeons and their family live in groups called “flocks.” Each flock has an equal number of male and female members. A courting male pursues his intended mate on the ground, circling her, with his neck feathers inflated and his tail spread, bowing and cooing all the while. Pigeons mate for life, but if one partner dies the survivor generally will attempt to find another mate.
Pigeons show a strong affinity for human-built structures. Nests, a haphazard combination of twigs, leaves, and a few feathers, are built on window ledges, behind signs, and under bridges. Parents take turns incubating the clutch of one or two white, unmarked eggs for between 16 and 19 days. After the eggs hatch, both parents feed the baby pigeons, or squabs, a crop secretion called “pigeon milk,” which is produced from the lining of the crop, a sac-like food storage chamber located under the bird’s esophagus. The milk is a highly nutritious and an efficient way of feeding young. Squabs fledge at four to six weeks of age but remain dependent on their parents for as long as the adults will tolerate them — generally another one or two weeks. Individuals may be capable of breeding at six months of age.
Pigeons leave their nesting and roosting sites during daylight hours to search for food, but they return at night, as well as periodically during the day when raising young.
source
About Pigeon Patrol:
Pigeon Patrol Products & Services is the leading manufacturer and distributor of bird deterrent (control) products in Canada. Pigeon Patrol products have solved pest bird problems in industrial, commercial, and residential settings since 2000, by using safe and humane bird deterrents with only bird and animal friendly solutions. At Pigeon Patrol, we manufacture and offer a variety of bird deterrents, ranging from Ultra-flex Bird Spikes with UV protection, Bird Netting, 4-S Gel and the best Ultrasonic and audible sound devices on the market today.
Contact us at 1- 877– 4– NO-BIRD, (604) 585-9279 or visit our website at www.pigeonpatrol.ca
Bird Gone, Pigeon Gone, Seagull Gone, Pigeon problems, pigeon spikes, 1-877-4NO-BIRD, 4-S Gel, Bird Control, Pigeon Control, bird repellent, Bird Spikes, bird law sonic bird repellent, stainless steel bird spikes, bird spikes Vancouver, Ultra Sonic Bird Control, Bird Netting, Plastic Bird Spikes, Canada bird spike deterrents, Pigeon Pests, B Gone Pigeon, Pigeon Patrol, pigeon family pest controller, pest control operator, Bird law pest control technician, Pigeon Control Products, humane pigeon spikes, pigeon deterrents, type of birds, pigeon traps, Pigeon repellents, Sound & Laser Deterrents, wildlife control, raccoon, skunk, squirrel deterrent, De-Fence Spikes, Dragons Den, Canada bird spikes, Pigeon behavior ,Canada pigeon, pigeon control, pigeon patrol, pigeon. Kill pigeons, crow, starling, Pigeon Habitat,
by Pigeon Patrol | Oct 26, 2020 | Bird Deterrent Products, Bird Netting, Pigeon Control, Pigeon Patrol's Services
Guide To Type Of Birds: Maybe it’s due to the fact that birds were a central component of my household for many years (parakeets), but birds are often on my mind. Everyone romanticizes birds because of their ability to fly. Yes, flight is awesome, that’s why we invented the airplane. Bats and bugs fly, but rarely are those animals included on anyone’s list of “animals I’d like to be.” Oh, I wish I were a bird, then I could fly anywhere and be with other birds to peck at millet or something. I’m really happy I’m not a bird. If you were a bird then flying would be normal, and you wouldn’t understand that you were flying because you’d be a stupid bird. The only thing you would think about is probably some form of seed or worm, and its proximity to your beak. The rest of your time would be spent squawking, tweeting, or cawing for extended periods of time about nothing in particular.
Crows are apparently some of the “smartest” birds, which is like being the “most athletic” cripple.This is not meant as an assault on birds; anything but. I’m just laying out the facts as I see them. I love birds. Birds are hilarious. One of my fondest memories of visiting Spain was when I hit this pigeon with a rolled-up newspaper in a courtyard. It was awesome for some reason. Hitting any other animal with a rolled-up newspaper would be much less funny (including a human), but birds have that bit of comedic magic that puts their reactions above and beyond. If you haven’t laughed at a bird before, maybe you should look a little closer. If you still don’t think birds are Earth’s comedic gift to us (along with many other things; Jewish comedy writers mostly), then you should reexamine your sense of humor.
Let’s face it, birds are really stupid. Chickens, turkeys, and ducks are especially stupid for allowing themselves to be bred and murdered by the millions every day, but let us not excuse the less-notably stupid, but still fascinatingly dumb members of the bird kingdom. I think I could break down all groups of birds into a few distinct categories, and this will be the new biologist’s guide to understanding and analyzing birds and their behavior, and general stupidity and ridiculousness.
Group #1: Birds we eat a lot of.
Examples: Chickens, ducks, turkeys, maybe some geese if you’re in 19th century Britain.
These birds are really stupid and extremely funny. One time we put a live chicken in my friend’s room while he was out, and he came back in and freaked out. Just the mere presence of a chicken demands a mirthful response. Look at the greatest comedy props of all time: the whoopie cushion and the rubber chicken. They both appeal to the most primal of human comedic needs. The whoopie cushion is great because it makes a farting sound, and the rubber chicken is great because it looks like a chicken and that’s just funny. Eating chicken is awesome too, and they also lay eggs which I eat a ton of. These two points are not funny, but should be noted to access the chicken’s overall value to human society.
All ducks look partly confused but generally in the moment and satisfied. Ducks seem to need human names like Roger, Stanley, and Ralph. The “quack” is also a very underrated bird noise. In my opinion it sits just above a goose “honk,” and right below a crow’s “caw” on the bird noise hierarchy. Famous ducks include Donald, Daffy, and the Aflac duck.
Turkeys are funny because they are so awkward. I know turkeys in factory farms are pretty messed up, so to appreciate good turkey humor you have to see wild turkeys. They’re kind of scary but at the same time, whatever, they’re stupid turkeys. In English, the word “turkey” is used to describe someone of questionable intelligence and above-average awkwardness. Benjamin Franklin wanted to make this our national bird instead of the bald eagle—one of the many reasons I don’t really like Benjamin Franklin.
Group #2: Birds that hang out near people and annoy them.
Examples: Pigeons, crows, seagulls.
These are perhaps the funniest birds because they’re so annoying and stupid. What’s better than watching a seagull or pigeon swoop in out of nowhere and steal French fries from beachgoers and random middle-aged people? Pigeons are everywhere around the world and they bob their heads when they walk. This is pretty funny. How did pigeons get to so many different places? I think maybe world leaders back in the day got together and had a summit about bringing more generic comedy into cities worldwide. Unanimously they agreed that these stupid birds could bring cultures together better than anything else.
Crows are apparently some of the “smartest” birds, which is like being the “most athletic” cripple. I’d rather be a stupid human than a “smart” bird. Have you ever heard one of those obnoxious crows that just keeps on cawing, and eventually it becomes some bastardized version of the original caw? It starts as your formal CAW CAW before descending into RAW WAW AWWWWWWW. I still remember waking up to the stupidest cawing I’ve ever heard back in eighth grade. Crows are really funny.
Seagulls always steal stuff from people, but it’s fun to throw bottles at them. I love when people get angry at you for hitting a seagull with something when you’re at the beach. People defend seagulls so much until they’re actually robbed by one of these ridiculous creatures. Now there’s a cause to really get behind, save the seagulls.
Group #3: Birds that kill rodents on nature shows.
Examples: Eagles, hawks, owls.
In my opinion, this is the only group of birds that I can consider “badass.” I know there are obvious outliers like certain carnivorous birds in Australia or something, but I really don’t care. I love seeing these birds kill stuff on nature shows, and if I had to make any bird really big so I could saddle it and ride it, it would probably be an eagle. Eagles are the symbol of America, and that’s pretty cool.
Hawks like to fly in circles over random places so people will stop and say, “Oh, look at that hawk! I wonder what he’s flying over?” He’s flying over a bunch of people who care about seeing a hawk fly in circles. Congratulations on feeding a hawk’s ego.
Owls are really wise for birds. I know this because they somehow convinced all fourth graders that it was reasonable to dissect their puke for science class.
Group #4: Big, dumb flightless birds.
Examples: Ostriches, emus, penguins, kiwis, peacocks.
These birds taste better than those in Group 1, but people don’t give them enough credit for that. I’ve never tasted penguin, but I suppose it may be a bit fishy. Either way, ostrich is delicious. These birds could probably mess some stuff up if you left them alone in your apartment. They would probably walk around scratching and pecking at stuff with their awkward bodies until everything broke. I think that’s inconsiderate, but big, dumb, flightless birds don’t know any better.
This group is synonymous with stupidity. Dodo’s were big, dumb flightless birds that eventually became too stupid to live on the island of Mauritius and subsequently rendered themselves extinct. I’ve met a bunch of emus, and each one was really unintelligent. They can barely hold a conversation, let alone begin to write an essay or solve a math problem. Purely idiotic creatures.
Penguins get a lot of credit for mating and living where it’s cold. They’re also acknowledged for sort of looking like they are wearing tuxedos. I would like to see a penguin actually wearing a tuxedo tailored to its proportions. It would have such a difficult time doing anything penguiny, and that would be comedy gold.
Group #5: Pet birds that may be able to talk.
Examples: Cockatiels, parrots, parakeets.
I’ve had a lot of experience with these types of birds. I lived with a number of parakeets for many years. They like to squawk and annoy people who aren’t used to them. They can also smell fear like dogs, and will pester those that find them most repellent.
Parrots have tricked a lot of people into thinking they’re smart because they can speak some English. I don’t buy into the parrot hype. They kind of creep me out. If I wanted to hear words over and over again, I would just say those words over and over. Or, in the true nature of parrots, I would just record my voice and whenever I needed a little dose of language, I would just play the recording. Everyone I know speaks better human language than parrots (this may be because I don’t personally know any infants right now), so maybe stop giving them so much credit and they won’t cost $1,500 at Petco.
Group #6: Birds that people like to see and know the names of, but are generally useless otherwise.
Examples: Cardinals, robins, goldfinches.
These birds are cool because they can make anyone sound like a birdologist at any given moment. “Ooh, look at that cardinal! You know it’s a male because it’s bright red; the females are less brightly colored.” This is a great way to sound smart by regurgitating well-known knowledge as if it were the result of years of consistent bird-study. Robins are good because it’s my mother’s name, as well as the name of Batman’s gayboy sidekick. They also mean spring is here, or something.
Group #7: All the little black birds that hang out on power lines and no one really cares about.
Examples: Those little black birds that hang out on power lines that I don’t know the names of.
Sometimes a bunch of these things will fly all at once off of a power line. It makes you feel like you’re in a movie where something really epic and scary is about to happen. No large group of birds is better at being ominous and setting the stage for something badass. Other than that, these birds are pretty useless.
Group #8: The peregrine falcon.
Yeah, it gets its own category for some reason.
This bird is “the fastest animal in the world,” though here’s another bird fallacy I don’t buy into. Barring humans (the actual fastest animal in the world; we have planes and rocket ships, those are way faster than falcons), I still give the “fastest” card to the cheetah. Peregrine falcons are just sort of plummeting when people test their speed. It’s not like this thing is flapping its way to the record, it’s just falling and flapping simultaneously. Just because it can control itself while falling doesn’t mean it deserves the title. Still, this bird is badass for killing doves in midair and having a really intense and dramatic stare.
So there you have it: the 8 distinct type of birds, meticulously categorized and analyzed for the scientific community. I hope you feel a newfound respect for these hilarious, not-at-all mysterious, omnipresent creatures.
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